If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
