apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
