I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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