i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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