Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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