so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
NoShamevember. You game?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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