hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
