drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Randomize
