hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
