I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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