look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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