Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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