Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I just pynch a tree in the face
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Duck Duck Cougar?
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Randomize
