The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
