Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
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It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
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I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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