Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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