It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
