my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
