dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
