I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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