I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
