I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Did I show you my penis last night?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
