my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
