You made me cry and you don't even care
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
