It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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