I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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