If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
