You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
