i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I hope mine doesn't look like that
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
