well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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