i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?Â
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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