i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
