The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
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in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
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Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
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