The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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