worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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