Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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