i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
