Just cropdusted the office
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
