im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
