im six kinds of drunk right now
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
