I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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