now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
