there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
