What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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