I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
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I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
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So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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