I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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