After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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