I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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