i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
