That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
