Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
