Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
