Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
