we're chasing vodka with high fives
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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