I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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