I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Mom said you looked used
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
