But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
