I'm so fucking centered right now
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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