I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
